Thursday, March 3, 2011

You leaving? Fine. I don't like you anyway.

"Are you a dog person or a cat person?"

I've realised recently that my default reaction has not made me one single ally. The comment 'Ugh! I can't stand animals' is, I realise, not making me any friends. It's akin to telling the parents of a newborn 'Hope he grows into those ears...What?.. Really?... sorry. I hope she grows into those ears.'

I used to have a beloved house cat. I grew up in a home where the most patient and lovely white cat was always around looking for affection. When I was eleven my mother bought a puppy and I bonded quite quickly with that animal too.

Now the rule was, 'Touch the animal? Wash your hands'. Animals carry all sorts of germs so it just makes sense. But then, suddenly if I gave the dog a quick pat I had a paranoia that I'd forget to wash my hands. What if I touched my face first accidentally? What if I ingested that. Ick. That's like licking the damn thing. No, all in all, probably best I don't touch the dog.

Over the years I stopped showing affection to the animals. It just became too nerve racking, and thank god I did too, because you know what the damn things did next?

They died... OF OLD AGE!!

And they were the lucky ones.

Madness. Apparently the life expectancy of a house pet is around 12 years. Why would anyone put themselves through the trauma of building a relationship only to have it so cruelly ripped away?

I have enough trouble when close friends go on holidays for longer than two weeks. "What's that? You're going to Japan for three months? Well, Fuck you too! I never loved you anyway... and I faked every orgasm!"

Of course, this doesn't make it any easier to answer the original question. Perhaps I should simply lie to their face.
"Which one do I like? Which one do you like? I like them too."

Should I go eclectic?
"Oh, Dogs and cats are alright, but have you ever played fetch with A PIG?!!"

In the end I've decided to simply tell people I like scorpions. At least that way if I'm ever taken to task and have to actually own one as a pet I've got a perfectly valid reason not to touch it.

...

Apparently some of them can live up to 30 years.

...

I think I'll call him 'Mr. Pinchy'.

4 comments:

  1. And so the seeds of hyperchondria were sown...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I heard that if you don't bathe your scorpion at least once a week you're almost sure to get meningitis or the bubonic plague from them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Guess what.. people die as well.. everyone you have ever known or loved will die..

    You're Welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't talk crazy, Wah. That's crazy.

    ReplyDelete

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