Sunday, December 29, 2013

How to remain calm amongst a sea of idiots.

There are few things that can make you feel as impotent as watching an angry burly fellow chucking trash on the ground. What can you do? Risk your safety to make a point about the environment? Why would anyone throw garbage onto the street like that anyway? It just doesn’t make sense.

Why are people getting so drunk that they can’t stand and then taking swings at random passers-by. Why are people raising their kids to lack respect or the skills to be a decent human being?

And that’s the crux of this. Why are so many people so bad at being decent human beings and what can we do about it? Well, I’ve figured out a mental trick that makes all this rage go away.

'Everyone is a fucking idiot’.

Not a pointed piece of abuse to make me feel calmer. Simply an explanation of behaviour.

No one is getting judgemental and frustrated by a tiger’s behaviour. Ants have tiny brains, but no-one is trying to change them into decent examples of ants. Birds snap their frigging necks by flying into windows. But when it happens we feel only pity. We don’t put them in a list with other birds that have taken themselves out of the gene pool and call it the Darwin Awards.

We have such a high opinion of what we feel the fabric of human endeavour should be, that we get frustrated when it unravels. Our expectations are simply too high. It’s all we can do to repress our natural inclination to be a fucking idiot all the time.

Question: Why is that guy throwing beer cans and polystyrene into a protected wetland environment?
Answer: He’s a fucking idiot.

It’s a simple explanation. Of course he’s acting like that. He’s a fucking idiot. That’s what fucking idiots do.

Question: Why is that driver risking his life and the lives of others by speeding and cutting people off?
Answer: He’s a fucking idiot.

It works for everything.

Question: Why is Bayer trying to strike down a law that would allow them to marginally increase profits at the cost of exterminating almost all bee colonies?
Answer: It’s filled with people who are fucking idiots.

Question: Why would someone publish such a useful piece of information but use such reactionary language?
Answer: Because I’m a fucking idiot.

Exhibit A

And this can help you get on with your life. Are you ever overwhelmed with guilt for foolish decisions you’ve later regretted? Well it turns out that when you made those decisions you were a fucking idiot. You were a primate that had barely made it off the plains of the Serengeti dressed up in plastic cloth and cow skin, packed into a monkey hive filled with far too many others and forced to sit still moving your fingers and refolding your poor little brain to deal with cinema trailers and wedding RSVPs and YouTube comments and product packaging.

You weren’t created perfectly adapted for this world. You didn’t even evolve for it. You’re just another animal confused and trying to deal as best you can, like a sparrow caught inside a classroom.

You’re a fucking idiot, and this will be your salvation.

And if you’re lucky you won’t snap your neck next time you run into a glass door...

You fucking idiot.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Where are you?

'A gunman? In the city?’

Let me digest that information.

'No shots fired. Police have evacuated the mall. Lunchtime shoppers have been locked into local businesses for their own protection.'

It's very unlikely that my wife would have walked a kilometre from her work at lunchtime to have put herself in harm's way. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I'll just send her an unrelated text message. Totally unrelated. Not checking her situation at all.

Okay, she hasn't responded. That's fine. That's normal. She has a busy job. It would be a total over-reaction to call her.


Okay, so she let it go to voice mail. That's normal. She has it on silent a lot. She'll probably call back as soon as she sees it. There's not much for me to do about it, but I'll tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to panic. I'm certainly not going to do that.


Not panicking at all.


And this is the point that the product review begins.

I installed 'Find my Friends' on both my iPhone and my wife's. (This was done with her consent I should add. I'm not the over-controlling type who sneaks looks through her messages, nor can I figure out her security code.) A single click and it sends a signal to her device, it pings a bunch of satellites as they race around the planet and then it sends back her location.

Blam! Nowhere near what was delicately referred to as a 'police incident'.

I breathe again.

I installed it initially as a novelty and have been surprised at just how useful it's been. I can now tell just how late she's running in the evening and if she's been held up in the mornings. Is she still ten minutes from work at nine am? Well maybe she'd benefit from an empathetic comment regarding the reliability of the Brisbane City Bus Service.

Even during the working hours it's kind of reassuring just to ping that blue dot. In the same way that you might both silently work on separate projects it's nice to look up and just remind yourself that the person you've paired with for life actually exists.

The biggest surprise is that she loves it too. If I'm out she can check whether or not to put extra food on for me if I'm obviously on my way. And if I end up going on some crazy late night adventure she can remind me to tell her what the fuck I'm up too with a simple 'what the fuck are you doing in [location of caper]'.

It has also brought piece of mind while my non-English speaking sister-in-law has been staying with us. If she ends up lost in this big brown land, I can at least pin point her location and go and pick her up. Also it gives me warning as to when it would be prudent to put on pants.

I imagine this would be a great app for long distance relationships. Being able to connect with your partner's location without having to disturb them doesn't replace having them in the room, but it does echo it.

The same for kids. I don't know how many kids get to carry an iPhone around but if they do  it's the next best thing to injecting a tracking chip under their pelt.

The only downside is that GPS tracking is expensive on the battery. If your beloved is a little bit of a control freak she may drain both her phone's battery and yours.

Also it makes sneaking off to your mistress's apartment tricky.

Four stars.

photo attribution Brian Finifter

Monday, February 11, 2013

Duhctah 'Ew

An amazing write up at put together a list of female doctors and it was a much more interesting reading than I expected. Then of course a flippant comment on Twitter and I've spent the last two hours pouring over a list of Doctors had it been created in Australia.

1st Doctor - Chips Rafferty


I struggled with this, mostly because my knowledge of the sixties comes from American television. I had a vague recognition of Chips Rafferty from an obtuse and confusing scene in a locally written play but no real idea of if he could pull off the role, until I watched this piece of magic from the film 'They're a Weird Mob'. The writing is just so good.

2nd - Pete Smith

At the time he was mostly known for his voiceover work but he'd be a brilliant replacement for Patrick Troughton

3rd - Peter Finch

Best known for his work in 'Network' screaming that he's not going to take it anymore.

4th - Ross Higgins

Okay. Go with me on this one. Take Ted Bullpitt from Kingswood country and strip him of the racism. huh? HUH?!! Yeah.

5th - Grant Dodwell

TV's Mr. Niceguy in the early eighties. Imagine if he'd been saved from 'Willing and Able'.

6th - Paul Chubb

No stranger to portraying a colourful alien.

7th - Gary MacDonald

Is an accomplished comic actor with a dark streak. Put a question mark bowler hat on that head and you're laughing.

8th - Geoffrey Rush

Tell me it wouldn't have been a tragedy for this man to only get one shitty Doctor Who arrow to his bow.

9th - David Wenham

The gritty reboot with a gritty earnest leading man. Though he might have some trouble hitting the manic highs that Christopher Eckleston did.

10th - Eric Bana

Look into those dreamy eyes. He can be goofy. Just look at Full Frontal from the nineties. And he was masterful in Chopper. Man, Now I want him to put on a British accent and be the next doctor.


The 11th Doctor?

You're not going to like this, but it's perfect. Damn it...



Josh Thomas

Awkward, lanky, big chin. And he's just as irritating without a script as Matt Smith is.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Meat celebration

Eating meat is ultimately a thoughtless act. We're raised in a culture where we don't make the association between the steak on our plate and the cute little lambs gambling in our fields and casinos. The process of taking a living creature and turning it into fillets and cubes is invisible to us and that makes it easy to ignore.

This doesn't necessarily make it an evil act, but it does fill me with a sense of unease that something so rewarding comes so easily. I feel that I should probably learn how to slaughter an animal at some point just so that I can get a sense of the sacrifice. If I can't bring myself to kill the meat I eat then I probably don't really deserve to eat it.

Eggs are even harder. A chicken lays around 700 eggs over its lifespan. But for each lady chicken that's born a male chicken is born, sexed, and then gassed to death with carbon monoxide. For every egg that I eat that's one seven hundredth of an adorable baby chicken's life on my hands. Of course, this is almost a kindness compared to the lives of chickens in battery farms.

It's now becoming easier for us to step away from the most horrible denials that we have to make. Barn eggs instead of caged. Free range instead of barn. At least we know that the animals didn't unnecessarily suffer for us before they suffered for us.

"They just keep playing the same Keith Urban album over and over again"

We have an empathy for animals because altruism to our fellow man and also the animals in our environment benefitted us as societies. Befriending and taming wildlife allowed us to be better farmers and hunters. It enabled us to clear our environments of rats and mice. It made us better.

But this behaviour was only unlocked by the development of our gigantic brains. Brains that only really began to reach their potential because they evolved to utilise the energy and mineral rich diet of animal flesh. Vegetarianism exists only because we learned to eat meat. That's irony in two senses of the word.

Today is Australia Day. It's a day people celebrate their delicious and energy rich meat but I can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be celebrating eating meat. I should, at the very least, be mildly ashamed of it.

If you have any good vegetarian recipes please do leave them in the comments.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Best Film of 2012

This is the year that I've had to accept that very few people agree with me as to what constitutes a great film. (That is to say, that they are probably wrong on mass.) Here is my round up of all the films I've watched this year and what I thought of them.

HeadHunters: This was one hell of an action film from Vikingland Norway. If you've ever wanted to see Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones blowing shit up this is the film for you. Better than average action fair, and more naked buttocks than an episode of the aforementioned.

Recommendation: Have a watch, but don't eat while you're watching the outhouse scene.

Chronicle: A pleasant sci-fi film that studies the implications of the young and stupid getting their hands on telekinetic powers (irony). While Scott Baio's conceit is that it would involve ladies tops popping open, (Zapped 1982)  this film has a darker bent to it. There's nothing to surprise you but it's a well told tale of power corrupting.

Recommendation: Yeah. It's good.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: There are quite of number of films I only saw for the first time long after they left the cinemas. RotPotA took its time to allow you to bond with the protagonists and thoughtful pacing pays off. By the third act a part of you is ready for all of humankind to crumble.

Recommendation: Another great sci-fi film with enough action to satiate the less cerebral.

Bridesmaids: I'd heard that this was a very successful film. It relied on that awkward style of humour that served 'Meet the Parents' so well and was probably a little too vulgar but the one thing it did do was introduce me to Chris O'Dowd. Be still my beating comedy heart.

Comedy hearts don't pump blood. They pump fists.
Recommendation: It's worth it just so that you can discuss it with every single other person on Earth as it turns out they've seen it too. It is saved by Chris O'Dowd who is so charming I could watch him in even the shittiest of…

Frequently Asked Questions about Time Travel: Oops! I may have spoken too soon. Chris stars in this Time Travel comedy that sets itself up with the lofty goal of making a time travel film that's smart and fun. It fails. This mess just loses its way.

Recommendation: Avoid. This film targets a clever audience and misses by a country mile.

Cars 2: A little old but I did want to see it just to round out my Pixar experience. I wasn't a fan of the first 'Cars' film but the trailer to this one set it up as a totally new story. I figured I'd give it a go and it worked out okay. I did find it somewhat frustrating trying to deal with the logistics of cars being sentient. Why are there buses? Cars don't need to travel by bus? And then the cars get loaded into a plane. A sentient plane! And they're inside it! Is that perverted? Is it cross species? Perhaps I'm thinking about it too much.

Recommendation: It's not as bad as everyone says but I wouldn't climb any mountains to get my hands on it.

Brave: What the hell happened to Pixar? How could the same minds behind Monsters inc. and the Incredibles have put together this soulless, by-the-numbers pap? It completely fails to create likeable or even memorable characters and then trots out a worthless husk of a story.

Recommendation: Not truly incompetent but not really any fun. If you want a good family film there are better options out there.

like Megamind: I can't believe I'm recommending a Dreamworks film. I loved Shrek but after Shrek 2 and the abominable Shark Tale I decided to avoid Dreamworks pics at all cost. Somehow, someone managed to put something together that they cared about without the studio buggering it all up. The story of a super villain getting what he always wanted instead of what he needs is a frigging delight.

Recommendation: Go grab it. It's a brilliant film and when I watched it I figured that I wouldn't see a better family film this year.


Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: Someone seriously knew what they were doing. This film knocks it out of the park. Admittedly it is quite old so I was pretty late to the party, but if you've missed this one make a U-turn and check it out. It weaves together like one of those rugs that muslims have to intentionally put a flaw into because only Allah is perfect.

Recommendation: Rent it Right Now at

The Dictator: I did not expect to enjoy this film. By all accounts this humour is filthy and base, but there's a dark edged satire hidden in here as well. The people I saw it with were uncertain about it but I recall laughing my arse off.

Recommendation: Have a couple of drinks and give it a crack.

21 Jump st: Having been a fan of the original series I fully expected to not enjoy this film at all.

I did not enjoy this film at all

Recommendation: Don't watch films that you don't enjoy, like this one.

The Avengers: Well, this is the big one. I went in with low expectations and found it to be modestly entertaining. When I mentioned this to others they LOST THEIR FUCKING SHIT. Alliances unravelled, things were said that could not be taken back and my wife hasn't posted on twitter since. Look, the fight scenes were boring and contrived, the story was hideously shallow but some of the characters, jokes and dialogue were great fun. Not awful by any means but intermittently boring and very entertaining. It all balances out to be mediocre.

Recommendation: Don't listen to me. Everyone else loves this film. You should totally see it despite my indifference.

Batman 9: I didn't enjoy Batman 8 and I ended up having to defend my position with others for that too so it was with great delight that I finished watching Batman 9 and it was actually pretty good. It kept up a decent pace and had some great twists and turns in both the tail and the tale. I liked many of the characters and was invested in some of them not dying. Of course, everyone else hated it and now I'm caught in the same damn argument again. Just from the other side.

Recommendation: Christ! I just don't know any more. Make your own frigging mind up. I'm obviously not the person to come to regarding comic book film adaptations.

Hugo: I've always had a theory that films about film-making get an easier green light than other films because the people giving the green light are emotionally bonded to the subject matter. This kids' film was extremely weak. Narratively messy and entirely self-indulgent. Anyone who defends it is an art wanker. I don't want to judge most of the people who disagree with me regarding cinema but this is where I put my foot down.

Recommendation: Steal the DVD and burn it in a fire.

Skyfall: James Bond goes gritty then tries to sneak in the old Roger Moore jokes in the hope that we won't notice. I think most of us did. It was okay. You know? Like every other James Bond film.

Recommendation: There's shooting and dry one liners. You're getting what it says on the box.

Samsara: I do like this style of film-making. Hi-def clips of amazing vistas and communities. You could probably make the experience yourself by picking a bunch of cool stuff on youtube and projecting it at a cinema.

Recommendation: Chuck it on at a party once the second loud music complaint is issued by the cops.

Jack Reacher: Tom Cruise stays focused as he rushes through a plethora of film genres on his way to the end of this odd action film. I did a full review at

Recommendation: Great films make you really think. This one? Well it's better off if you don't.

Men in Black 3: I hate long films. The perfect length for a film is 1 hour and 28 minutes. That is the length of Disney's Aladdin and it was great. Men in Black 3 was only slightly longer and this is probably why it didn't outstay its welcome. Will Smith reminds us that he cut his teeth on comedy. A fun performance and some pretty enjoyable set pieces. Not a train wreck.

Pictured: A train wreck
Recommendation: If you had any time for either of the first two take a look at this one as well.

Wreck it Ralph: More Disney tripe. I would have thought that the subject matter was right up my alley but the characters were in no way likeable. The story pieced together at the end to save it from being an abomination but I spent a lot of time very, very bored watching this 2 hour long film.

Recommendation: Watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs a second time instead.

And so we come to my favourite film of the year. I copped some flack for recommending Justin Beiber's 'Never say Never' last year. This year I've been in the minority when it came to the Avengers and Batman 9 and I'm pleased to say I've picked a film that people can't get cranky about.

The Sapphires: A quartet of young aboriginal women and Chris O'Dowd (swoon) get sent to Vietnam to perform for the troupes. It's a truly well made film and it deals with race in a way that anyone who combats me regarding the quality of the film could risk coming off as a little big bigoted.

This film is funny and touching with exceptional performances by all involved. It captures something about the aboriginal culture that nothing I've seen before ever has. Like any great film, it makes me want to know more about the subject matter it touches on. It is wonderful and you should watch it as soon as you've finished watching 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs'.
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